


Endarkenment

by Owari26



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Did I mention the glitter, Gore, Humor, M/M, SacrificesForOurLordShap, This is gonna get dark soon, Watch me butcher Grimmjow later on, Yoruichi and Ichigo are buddies, an ungodly amount of cat references, and not the UwU blood kind of gore, nothing but pussy jokes, so much glitter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:02:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27673717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owari26/pseuds/Owari26
Summary: Just another normal day for Kurosaki, in which Soul Society sends him a mysterious message, Yoruichi teases him, Mayuri drugs him and Grimmjow tries to murder him.The usual right?
Relationships: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques/Kurosaki Ichigo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	Endarkenment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shapooda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shapooda/gifts).



> Shaaap, you wonderful bean, enjoy the absolute madness that is this fic. I love you fren!  
> The gore is coming in this fic, soon! I know I promised you gore but somehow you got crack first instead ahaha.
> 
> Special thanks to Morgan for beta-reading this madness and helping with brainstorming and to Messier for inspiring me with words, you know what I mean ;-)

“The fuck,” Ichigo questioned when something flew against his window in a blur of black and purple. He got up from his desk to investigate the insistent tapping.

With a swift push, he opened the window, a soft summer breeze wafting in to cool his damp skin. Along with the wind, something else fluttered inside through the window and settled itself on top of the stack of papers on his desk.

It was a hell butterfly. 

Ichigo stared at the tiny creature, its purple edged wings opening and closing slowly. 

“How did you end up here?” Ichigo wondered. He was the only on-duty Shinigami here, so any Konso was usually only done by him.

He let the butterfly crawl closer, his hand stretching out until teeny tiny black insect legs touched his fingertips. 

_Message for Kurosaki Ichigo._ A voice crackled through the air.

“Oh right, these things are messengers too.” 

Ichigo stared at the fragile insect. He'd always wondered how that even worked. Maybe it was some kind of kido, or a special kind of trained bug from one of the realms? On second thought, maybe he shouldn’t be touching the weird bug. Startled by his own memories of those little vicious sandworms he’d encountered in Hueco Mundo, he yanked his hand back just in case. 

_You have been selected for a special assignment,_

_a truly noble task if I may say so,_

_You will go further where no man has ever gone._

_Please report to Soul Society ASAP!_

“What the hell?!” Ichigo blurted out, still staring in disbelief at the black creature.

_I shall now give you a bit of time to truly let the importance of this assignment sink in,_

_See you soon, Kurosaki Ichigo._

“Okay...” Ichigo stared in rapidly growing confusion at the butterfly. Who was this message even from? What did it mean? Maybe someone needed his help, or maybe it was just Renji pulling another one of his pranks again. Still, there was no doubt that Ichigo was, in fact, a little curious.

_This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds._

“Wait-what?!” Ichigo yelled. He didn’t have time to duck down as the butterfly exploded in a fiery ball of black and pinkish confetti. Ichigo shielded his eyes against the blast, then went slack-jawed with horror when he saw that his room now looked like the aftermath of a drag queen competition.

Finally, the tornado of multicolored butterfly specks settled down, covering Ichigo in a fine layer of shimmering black and pink dust. 

“No,” Ichigo said to himself in absolute horror as his gaze slowly traveled across the room. “No, fuck this!” Ichigo screamed, “I have a phone, why don’t they ever just call me like normal people would?!” He clenched his fists by his side, blinking his eyes in a failed attempt to get the glitter out of them.

It was a nightmare.

A bedazzled nightmare. He was going to find glitter in his underwear drawer for years to come. 

Ichigo threw the door of his room open with a mumbled curse and stomped down the hall like an angry hollow out for blood. Someone was going to pay for this, he just had to figure out who. It also meant he had to go to Soul Society if he wanted information. 

“Fucking great.” Ichigo sighed, running a hand through his hair to shake the glitter out. “A room full of glitter, a trail going down the hallway and the bathroom is probably going to look like the dressing room of Ru Paul’s drag race by the time I’m done.” Ichigo ignored the spray of sparkles and took his clothes off before he stepped into the shower. 

Yuzu was going to murder him.

Freshly washed and with most of the glitter gone, Ichigo headed towards Urahara’s shop to figure out who the message was from. 

Ichigo would never admit it, but he was actually rather curious to know what this mysterious message was all about. Not necessarily because he was going to agree, although he probably couldn’t say no either, if his current track record was anything to go by. No, Ichigo’s interest was purely based on his own insatiable thirst for the unknown. 

Idiot, Ichigo thought as he rounded the corner at the edge of the block. He really should just ignore this. Going to see the guy who had roped him into getting his own Shinigami powers, screwed over Rukia and, let’s face it, was still messing with a lot of people; probably wasn’t the best idea if he wanted to avoid getting pulled into yet another Soul Society-related screw-up.

Still, Ichigo reasoned, maybe it wasn’t that bad this time. It could just be a formal thing, like being asked to test the new academy graduates or something. He thought about the wording of the message as the shop slid into view. _A truly noble task,_ it had said. He wondered who would use such a formal language to describe an assignment. 

Maybe it was from Byakuya? Ichigo snorted as soon as the thought struck. Yeah right, as if the head of the Kuchiki clan would ask a mere human for help. That stuck up prude probably wouldn’t even let him decide the flavor of his tea. 

“Oi Kisuke,” Ichigo called out as he pushed the sliding doors open and walked in, only to be faced with an empty shop. 

Where was everyone? Ichigo glanced around but the whole place looked abandoned. He ignored the weird feeling in his gut and started walking around the counter, heading towards the back room before he could get second thoughts. 

Maybe they were just out for groceries or something. 

Ichigo carefully pushed open the shōji and stared down the long dark hallway. Dusty, stagnant air hit him right in the face, making him think of the attic above the Kurosaki clinic. His stomach turned at the thought. Swallowing, Ichigo pushed those visions back down before they could take root in his mind and fester there like they used to do when he was eight. There’s no way in hell Kurosaki Ichigo was afraid of empty dusty places. This was Urahara’s shop, not some abandoned building. “No big deal.” He told himself, shuffling bravely forward across the hardwood floor, yet he couldn’t completely shake off the shiver of unease that ran across his spine.

“Yoruichi?” Ichigo asked into the darkness, his voice only trembling a little as he continued walking down the hall. 

He lifted a hand and patted it along the wall in search of a light switch but found none. 

“Tessai, you here?” Ichigo asked again. Cursing, he walked on, the hallway nothing more but dimly lit shapes and creeping shadows. He turned and paused to look behind a sliding door, keeping his senses open for whoever could be in the room.

Nothing. 

Ichigo couldn’t sense a single thing besides his own heartbeat and the smell of moldy air. Turning his gaze back to the hallway, he continued walking as he mentally cursed his own shitty skills. He wasn’t exactly an expert in basic shinigami skills after all, and Yoruichi also happened to be some sort of secret ex-ninja cat so the odds of him actually being able to sense her or even sneak up on her would be second to none.

For a long moment, Ichigo continued to shuffle down the hall, looking into rooms as he passed them by. He considered calling it quits but that wouldn’t lead him to answers about the mysterious message either. Unsure what to do, Ichigo decided to go back to the front of the shop and wait there until Urahara returned, or find someone else who could at least offer him some advice on the subject.

He was thinking about where they all could have gone off to when he rounded a corner and the door right next to him slammed open so hard it made the floor reverberate under his feet. Ichigo screamed like a schoolgirl and covered his head with his hands. 

“Kurosaki-san, is that you?” 

That sounded suspiciously like a certain desperate shopkeeper.

“Kurosaki-san! Our savior!” Urahara wailed as Ichigo pushed open the door and stepped into the room. “I’m so glad you found us! We’ve been stuck here for days and I’m afraid we can’t get out without a helping hand.” He sighed in relief, looking up expectantly at Ichigo from his position.

Ichigo yelped in abject horror as he stumbled back into the door opening and nearly landed on his ass. “Oh hell no! You’re on your own for this.” 

“But Kurosaki-san, you can’t leave us like this.” Something groaned in agreement from underneath the red tangle of ropes. A black-furred tail and what looked like glowing paws wiggled helplessly to emphasize Urahara’s words. “We’re stuck and Tessai is out of town.”

“I’m leaving!” Ichigo shot back, “And I don’t want to interrupt-well, whatever the hell this is.” He gestured wildly at the tangle of rope and limbs covering the tatami mat. 

“Ichigo, my precious Shinigami prodigy and the closest thing to a son I’ll ever have, you wouldn’t leave me here like this, would you?” The man shot him a sad smile while lowering his head like a kicked puppy. 

“A son?” Ichigo smirked, doing his best to keep his face somewhat straight like he wasn’t about to end this man’s whole ego. He paused for a moment then turned to face the shopkeeper. “You’re a two-faced silver-spoon jerk who I wouldn’t even trust with our pet fish. You’re a manipulative, lying snake but I thought you were at least smart enough to not fall for your own lies. You bury your way underneath everybody’s skin like an ugly parasite dipped in fake concern. And you dare to call me _son_? You’re a cunning bastard worse than Aizen, Urahara, but at least he never lied to me,” Ichigo snapped, leaning down to look Urahara in the eyes. 

Urahara sighed and tried to avoid the hard eyes pinning him down.

“But despite all of that, I actually thought you respected me enough to finally learn to clean up your own messes. Guess I was wrong, after all, I’m just another puppet on a string; waiting for you to pull me in the right direction and stroke that huge ego-boner of yours.” 

“Maybe you need to calm down, Ichigo. I mean, it’s not like you to be so angry.” The man replied hastily. “If you would be so kind as to release me so we can all have a nice cup of tea and talk about this like adults.” Urahara tried to reason. 

“No,” Ichigo said, kneeling down next to Urahara’s side and reaching an arm out to tilt his chin up. 

Urahara’s eyes widened in surprise and Ichigo couldn’t stop the cruel grin that stretched over his face. 

“You’re a smart man, Urahara.” Wickedness glinted in Ichigo’s eyes. “Are you really going to admit that Yoruichi and a bit of rope are all it takes to bring you to your knees? Ichigo inched closer. “A genius like you, tangled up like a mouse in a trap. If I had known that, I would’ve tied you up a long time ago.” Ichigo whispered with an unreadable expression.

“No,” Urahara replied weakly, his breath a little ragged. He stared up with wild eyes and bit his bottom lip.

“You sure?” Ichigo said, sliding his hand up into Urahara’s disheveled hair and pulling his head to the side. “All tied up for me and kneeling at my feet, bet you would like it when I humiliate you like that, don’t you.” Ichigo damn near purred. “The great Urahara, reduced to being my little pretty bitch.” 

The tangled up bundle of rope and fur suddenly doubled itself up and burst into a loud cackle of mirth and blue fizzling energy. “Bwahaha, he got you real good Kisuke.” One moment she transformed back to her smaller form and slipped out of the ropes with ease. Then, in the blink of an eye, she was back on two legs and collapsed onto the ground, writhing with laughter. 

“Did you see the look on his face!” Ichigo wheezed. He couldn’t even look at Urahara without choking up all over again. 

“I’m grateful you remembered that a change in my emotional state is enough to snap me out of that form,” She switched her gaze back to Urahara and continued, But I’ve got to admit, humiliating Urahara to make me burst into laughter was a pretty damn original twist. Hell, I think he might’ve actually believed you this time,” Yoruichi said, her luminous golden eyes sparkling with tears. 

“I might have finally broken him,” Ichigo laughed, returning her swaying high five. “And I got carried away a bit,” Ichigo admitted, looking back over his shoulder at the state the other man was in. 

“He’ll be fine,” Yoruichi replied, climbing to her feet with a bit of help from Ichigo. “It’s his own fault anyway, he knows better than to mess with me when I’m in my flash goddess form.” 

Yoruichi stepped out of the room, wrapping an arm around Ichigo’s shoulder, and yelled back: “Don’t fuck with the pussy!” 

“That’s right, pussy power!” Ichigo chimed in. 

“Don’t you two have some mercy for a mere humble shopkeeper?” Urahara whined, closing his eyes and letting his body fall limp into the pile of ropes. “I was only providing Yoruichi with some much needed enrichment in an attempt to satisfy my own scientific curiosity.” 

“Oh shut it you perverted catfucker.” Ichigo yelled back from down the hallway. Together they made their way towards the private room that Urahara used for meetings, swaying back and forth in a walking hug.

Ichigo shook his head. “I just know that, before this day is over, I’m gonna be needing a whole lot of therapy.” He gestured at his face, “Look at my eye twitching, Yoru. Look at it,” Ichigo emphasized, staring at her intently with the affected eye in question. 

“That’s gross,” Yoruichi replied with a casual shrug while shoving Ichigo away again. 

“This coming from the woman I walked in on once while she was busy licking her toes.” Ichigo shot back

“Hey, that’s not fair. Mixed instincts, Ichigo.” Yoruichi whisper-yelled. “Things get all jumbled up when I spend too much time as a cat. Did I tell you about that time I rubbed against the tree around the shoten and attracted all the neighborhood cats?”

“Therapy!” Ichigo screamed while covering his ears with his hands. He definitely did not want to hear stories about cats in heat. 

“Anyway, are you implying you wouldn’t want my pussy, Ichigo?” Yoruichi asked, and if the question alone wasn’t already enough to make Ichigo gag in disgust, she just had to wiggle her eyebrows and lick her upper lip too and—oh god, was that a tail he felt creeping up between his legs?!

“I don’t want to fuck your pussy, in any sense of the word.” Ichigo replied dryly.” He tugged her forward and away from the door opening. “Besides, I don’t have time to screw around anyway, I need help with something.” 

“Right, business before pleasure.” Yoruichi huffed. “Always the noble Shinigami first. When are you finally going to let go for once?” She wrapped herself around his torso, licking a disgustingly wet stripe across his earlobe. 

Ichigo shuddered at the sensation. Why the hell did her tongue feel like sandpaper covered in slime?! “You two are a special kind of depraved and I don't want to tarnish my precious innocence with it,” Ichigo stated matter of factly. 

"I'm sure I could teach you a few things." Yoruichi purred in his ear. 

“No thanks, I’m way too pretty to end up in prison. Besides,” Ichigo continued, peeling her grubby little mitts away from his torso. “You do know I’m more into hot dogs than dried clams?” He regretted his word choice as soon as the first letter left his mouth, but to his surprise, Yoruichi only raised an eyebrow in response. 

“You have seen me naked more times than I care to admit.” Yoruichi reminded him, “We ended up spooning in bed together after Tessai’s birthday party, remember?” She said, tugging Ichigo into the room. “And I’m pretty sure any man who sleeps butt naked with a woman and doesn’t even once try to make a move, is gay.” She folded her arms over her chest and cocked her head to the side. “Or are you going to tell me I’m just ugly?”

“Nah,” Ichigo snorted, walking towards the back of the room to find a place to sit that wasn’t covered in weirdly glowing bottles and stacks of files. “You’re the hottest cat woman I’ve ever seen but, no offense, batman is more my type,” Ichigo smirked, squeezing himself into a little corner between stacks of boxes. 

Yoruichi raised an eyebrow, “That emo twink Ulquiorra? I thought you had better taste.”

“Wait—that’s not what I—I just.” Ichigo spluttered out, watching as Yoruichi shook her head in bewildered amusement. 

Yoruichi let out a throaty cackle and decided to finally have some mercy on Ichigo. “Relax, I’ve been living in the human world long enough to get the reference.” She winked while draping herself unceremoniously across the spread out stack of papers and scribbled notes that covered the table, “Besides, I thought you were more into _Cat-_ man anyway.” 

“Catman?” Ichigo asked, still trying to wiggle himself into the little space he’d dug out for himself on Urahara’s worn out couch. 

“Fight me, Kurosaki!” Yoruichi said with a rough snarl while stretching her lips into a borderline psychotic grin. “You know,” She gestured to her hair and made wavey motions. “Mr. Blue with the over the top Billy Idol hair.” 

Ichigo choked on his own spit and started laughing. “You mean the basically-dead maniac who wants to murder me? I guess if you’re into that sort of thing he’d be absolutely perfect.” Ichigo stated in his utmost sarcastic tone while trying to hide the blush that crept up from underneath his sweater. 

Yoruichi continued to stare at him with a grin that promised nothing good. “You gotta at least admit he’s easy on the eyes.” 

“I guess he’s not too bad looking,” Ichigo admitted and decidedly felt his own face turn even redder. The vision of Grimmjow flexing in his barely-there, tits-out jacket that promptly decided to play in his brain on loop didn’t help at all. 

Yoruichi slowly tilted her head, her lips curling into a knowing smile. “Seems to me like someone has a little crush on a certain Arrancar.” 

“I do not!” He snapped at her, his face turning a nice bright red. “He’s hot okay, but that’s it, there’s nothing else.” 

She lifted a hand and moved it down between her legs. “Hmm, I bet he’s great jack-off material indeed.” Yoruichi teased him with a slow grind from her hips up into her hand.

“Oh god, will you just shut up already!” Ichigo snapped, burying his face into his hands. 

“Ichigo, you’re just too easy to rile up.”Yoruichi laughed, “But you needed my help with something?” 

“Yeah,” Ichigo admitted somewhere from behind the stack of boxes he’d decided to crawl behind in an attempt to protect what was left of his dignity. “What the hell is all this stuff anyway?” Ichigo mumbled, climbing back to the front and toppling over a stack he’d lost track of. 

“Oh, that’s just some of Kisuke’s research from back when he was the head of the Shinigami research department,” Yoruichi replied. “This is only part of it though, Mayuri is renovating the place and he wanted all of Kisuke’s old stuff gone by the end of the week.” 

Ichigo frowned. “How much more is there?” Judging from the piles and boxes this seemed like a lot already. 

“This is only from his first year.” She scratched her head then slowly climbed off the table. “He was head of the research department for 10 years up until he got exiled so there’s at least another 9 years of boxes, files, and other miscellaneous crap over in Soul Society.” 

“Oh wow.” Ichigo said, “That’s actually quite impressive. ”Ichigo realized he’d never really paid much attention to how important and extensive Urahara’s research had been back in the days. 

“Ah yes, quite impressive indeed if I may say so myself.” Urahara piped up from the door opening. 

“What the-where the hell did you come from?” Ichigo squeaked in surprise. “And what exactly did you hear?” He wondered aloud, getting up from the couch to stare Urahara in the eye, wondering what kind of blackmail material the man had eavesdropped in on.

“Oh don’t worry, Kurosaki-san.” Urahara chimed in his usual sing-song voice as he stepped into the room. “I’ve only heard the last part.” 

Ichigo sighed in relief.

“But I got here just in time to catch the part where our precious savior over here has a thing for a certain destructive hollow.” He said, snapping his signature fan open to hide most of his face and his grin. 

Ichigo failed to suppress a desperate groan. 

“Perhaps that certain someone could assist me later with moving my stuff in exchange for concealing any future attempts at violating the Shinigami code of conduct,” Urahara said, looking expectantly at Ichigo.

“Okay, fine.” Ichigo agreed. “But can someone finally help me with this message I received from Soul Society? 

Twenty minutes later, Ichigo had explained what happened in maybe a bit too much detail.

“Ahaha.” Urahara nearly choked on his own laughter. “You must have looked dazzling, covered in all that glitter.” 

“Like a sparkly princess.” Yoruichi cackled, leaning on Urahara for support with one arm and wiping away the tears from her eyes with her other hand. 

“I hope you both choke on it!” Ichigo snapped, feeling a little self-conscious and a whole lot stupid for telling them all of that. He should’ve kept his mouth shut about the self-destructive part of the message. 

“So?” Ichigo finally asked, “Are you two going to help me get to Soul Society so I can figure this shit out, or are you both going to keep laughing at my misery? 

“Can we do both?” Urahara piped up hopefully.

“Alright then,” Yoruichi said, blinking the tears from her eyes. “You helped me get out of my flash form, so I guess it’s time to help you out too.” She walked out of the room and gestured for Ichigo to follow her. “Can’t travel through the Dangai from here,” She explained, “So we’re going down to the lab.” 

Urahara nodded. “She’s right, we need a bit more room than this cramped space to open a Senkaimon.”

And that was how the three of them made their way towards Urahara’s lab to prepare Ichigo’s trip to Soul Society.


End file.
